2:11 a.m. - 2004-04-06
weird update
Yeah, it really is two in the morning. I cannot sleep these days, not ever. I can think of few enough days in the recent past that I have gone to bed before 3 am. I feel a little craze. Last night, neath the light of a full moon, I bleached the hell out of my hair after making some of the greatest three hours of conversation EVER with this sweet slip of a girl.
It looks good. And I figure the crush called me not once...but twice...over spring break. The bleached-out hair, which looks sort of trashy in a hot, punkrock way (much like the way someone looks when they make stupid mistakes bleaching their wn hair), will surely draw us together. I'm going crazy with not knowing if there is reciprocity...something about the uncertainty or the frustration or the suspense...but it's hot to me. It's hot to be chasing around someone like this, looking for clues, trying to send secretive messages, panicking about consequences that don't yet exist, etc.
So, as I explained moments ago, I am CRAZY.
I saw him again today, though. The crush. He looks so unbelievably good, if perhaps tool-ish. As sweet as the ecstasy of uncertainty is...he is hot and I am fucking horny. I'm dying ferchrissakes. I'm going to go ahead and not count these numerous, sexless months.
It feels good to be back in Mo-town however. I felt so far from my real life that I barely thought outside the moment. This thrills me in a way, because I have almost always been morbidly obsessed with making things perfect for the moment and taking myself out of what was really going on in my life. But then, I look back at those awkward, quiet, mediocre years and I think maybe I had few enough reasons to enjoy those moments.
Okay, I'll just go ahead and admit to having just smoked the cheebs, so a coherent string of thoughts is not happening anymore.
But the moments I enjoyed while hanging on to those last bits of vacation were pretty fucking great. The boys and I hit thrift stores all over the slums of Denver. I got fucking awesome stuff, including (but not limited to): a vintage Christian Dior bathrobe ($4), boldly white '70s Reeboks, the swanky Rat-Pack-esque tan shoes I've been dreaming of, black Calvin Klein button-up, a ridiculous trucker hat with blue and gold stitching and a proudly sown 'Captain' in gold thread. And so much more.
I felt like a lot of my time in CO made me realize how quickly I can go from hermit to round-the-clock-partyboy if need be. And that I sustain both pretty well, when the need presents itself. I kind of feel the way I felt coming back from Cali at the end of the summer: rattled, refocused, derranged. That's all that is.
I took about 220 pictures. I am taking a few of them and rebuilding an alternate story around it. As a experiment. We'll see how this goes.
Oh, yeah, and this story is due Thursday. Ouch.
