10:44 a.m. - 2004-02-19
reconciling
Resilience has finally begun to kick in. Mercifully. I got my wheels back, and it turns out that was the only thing really shitting in my swimming pool (my fave metaphor for being down or pissed...coined this summer, when I wanted to shit in the swimming pool of my evil bosses from the filmfest).
Doesn't everyone love long parentheticals?
Even though the finances are a little strained at the mo, I feel like I am finally on the brink of happiness. Just in time for spring. Things have been hard - accepting the limitations of the crush, accepting him falling for someone else, accepting that I am still hopelessly immature, among other things. I'm trying to pull my shit together, but I have not had the time to focus on rebuilding my life. I'm just doing the day to day.
But this weekend will bring me the time (at last!) to settle into my weird little room. The hammer, nails, thumbtacks and sublime creativity are all being busted forth from their respective toolboxes.
The new story continues to swim through my head. I am already in love with it. My main problem is that I must find some kind of place to work, since my computer appears to have given out. Entirely.
Tomorrow, my friend Stacey is getting married. At the courthouse. I love that she has just been so not-in-a-harrumph about the whole thing. She's only planning it as much as she has to. I'm happy for her, because she has found a partner, it seems, instead of someone who ultimately becomes a liability. Which is sort of what I've come to think of love as. Total liability. Luckily, I've got another year and a half of voluntarily sidestepping love, in an environment that makes it impossible (for me). If I stay withdrawn enough in the France, I can re-cultivate all my skills and literacy to my lonely hearts' content. This is psycho talk, but it's sort of how I feel.
Scary. I think I'm just afraid of the intensity of my own emotions, and so it's easier for me to bury them than be burdened by them. Just temporary, of course. I'm not saying I would shut down the possibility of something happening with someone, somewhere...but I am saying that I am suspending my search. Unless we're just talking about the sex. Which is just dandy, a mon avis.
Anyway. Who knows what I'm talking about at this point. I have been musing for some time here, at the Liquid Planet (free plug, can I have my computer charge waived, yo?). It is time for me to go back into the slush, back into the irregular sunlight. I am craving California really badly right now. I need sun and surf and total hedonistic obliteration.
