12:31 p.m. - 2003-12-10
not so thrilled
Currently sitting in Liquid Planet, emerging for the first time in what feels like weeks or months. The streets are filled with frantic people, strange life-size fake Santas and big, angry signs proclaiming desperately competetive sales. I don't feel very good about Christmas this year. I don't have a tree, I hate where I'm living and I feel horribly disconnected.
I was planning a big ole 'dj-eurotrash 300th entry' but I haven't the heart right now. Monday was some kind of rock bottom for me. I don't know if it was mixing meds or realizing that playtime was over, but my moods went this way and that and it terrified me, just being that unstable, that unable to control my emotions.
Admittedly, a lot of this has to do with the crush. At this weekend's work xmas party, I married myself to whiskey, which was clearly not the decision of someone of sound mind. If not for the arrival of Ms. N and Eliz, I doubt I would remember much of anything at all. I'm worried I said something to the crush, to someone else, and have exposed myself. Damn, damn, damn. After circumnavigating Missoula in Friday's punishing drizzle, he appeared out of nowhere and took me home. It would have been so perfect if not for...I'm pretty sure the other fellow in the car was his boyfriend. Joy of joys. The whole night was nearly a wash, since we didn't get to drunkenly make out.
In spite of the levity I always use when referring to this boy, I feel like I have fallen in love with him. I have been terrified to turn that particular phrase in reference to him, but I can't help it anymore.
My year in review goes a little something like this:
-Met/seduced personal icon
-Moved to California for summer, experienced wonders of summer flings, serious substance abuse problem and sticking it to the (crazy)man at my fucked up job
-Shifted three of my best friends out of my life
-Worked my ass off this fall for nearly naught
-Fallen in love against my will with someone as screwed up as they are unavailable
There were good times, too. I'm just as sullen as I can be, on this snowy, jarring day.
